Rambling in the Middle of the Night

Terlalu lama ditinggalkan blog ini....lama...seperti lama tuannya menyepi...tiada yang baru...sama seperti selalu..

Hidup itu sangat meletihkan...kadang ianya bukan kerana letih kerana berjuang, tetapi letih kerana terlalu lama berehat...macam blog ini, letih menanti...terlalu lama berehat...

Kalau nak bercerita, panjang, dipendam lama tak diluahkan..

Aku selalu terfikir kenapa apa yang aku dapat tak seperti indahnya aku harap pada hasilnya, tapi, itu hasil dipertengahan jalan, belum final result. Selalunya bila dah final, banyak yang aku belajar. Allah itu Maha Baik. Bila aku ingat balik, semua tu jadikan sapa aku sekarang.

Habis masters, aku dapat offer kerja... jadi Research officer. Besar sebenarnya kalau nak diikutkan untuk permulaan kerjaya menjadi seorang ahli akademik. Pada aku bila jadi RO, next step nak sambung PhD, lepas tu start jadi tutor, then pensyarah. How easy the way i were thinking that time? But, unfortunately, it wasnt come out that easy. Masa aku buat master, aku selalu dengar pasal masalah integrity ahli akademik dan pada aku akhlak is the best key measurement in any field we are working in. Masalah plagiat, masalah curi hasil kerja students and so on. That was what I had been through. Aku ingat ok, fine, 9 bulan it not to long to survive. Rupanya, perancangan aku tak semudah yang difikir. My boss wasnt have the criteria that I wish he should be. And I am not saying I am all good. I just can survive for 3 month started in March and ended in May. I gave the reason to him that I have no passion in that field (education) as I am in Social Sciences field. Sedangkan, aku dah tak boleh tahan dengan attitude tak ada integrity dalam akademik. Aku ingat Prof aku cakap, jujur dalam dunia akademik sebab semua hasil tulisan kita orang baca. Kalau tak jujur tanggunglah akibat ilmu yang dipakai hasil ketidak jujuran kita. I keep this reminder deep inside my mind. How i glad that advice has became one of the key to guide what I wanna be and do. Then I quit. Without notice. Just a short message in his room with the reason that i've told. I passed all the materials. And only Allah knows how happy i was at the moment i quit that job.

After quitting, I was unemployed for 3 months, I spent my time at the library, at the supermarket, reading, i felt miserable being jobless, without having income. Lucky, I still have saving in my account. Until in September, my best friend called me and ask me to be a substitute teacher in his school after one of school's teacher quit. I accept. At that time, I accept the offer not because I was jobless. But rather than I just dont want to disappoint my best friend and yeah, why not, while waiting perfect job, isnt it ? I ask my mak first that time before I ask ayah. Mak kata, "pergi sajalah, apa salahnya. Kesian budak-budak, dah 3 bulan tak belajar. Niat yang baik-baik. Lagipun chik bukan ada kerja lagi". Pada aku, bila aku buntu, selain solat, aku selalu tanya mak dan ayah pendapat. Ayah susah nak lepas sebab kerja di Kuala Lumpur. Ayah nak aku duduk dekat saja. Banyak kali juga ayah tanya bila nak berhenti dan balik kerja di sini saja. Kalau ikut aku begitu juga, kerja sampai hujung tahun. Berhenti. Dengan harapan ada kerja yang lebih sesuai menanti. Tetapi banyak permohonan dihantar yang diterima cuma dukacita. Kadang-kadang give up juga aku. Sebelum nak datang KL, mak pesan, "jadi guru tu kena ada jiwa. Jiwa pendidik". Mak dulu nak jadi guru juga, belajar pun pendidikan, tapi akhirnya tak jadi guru. Jadi, mak lebih jiwa kuat bila aku nak belajar dan kerja guru. Kadang-kadang aku melawak saja cakap pada mak macam mana kalau aku sambung belajar di luar negara? Mak kata," inshaAllah mak doa chik jadi sambung belajar di luar negara". Tapi bila cakap pada ayah, ayah akan kata, "belajar dekat-dekat sajalah". Untuk bab ini, jiwa mak lebih kental. Hehehe. Aku pegang kata-kata mak, 'jadi guru kena ada jiwa. Kena ikhlas". Sampai sekarang. Tersemat di kalbu!

Sampai sekarang, dah setahun lebih. Bila terfikir bab nak kena berhenti aku jadi tak sampai hati, ingat students yang aku dah jatuh cinta. Sejak lepas SPM tak pernah aku mimpi jadi guru. Semua aku apply kecuali MAKTAB PERGURUAN. Tak pernah aku terfikir aku layak jadi guru. Tapi bila buat master aku nampak kalau aku jadi pensyarah aku boleh sumbang ilmu. Mungkin sebab tu aku terima pelwaan kawan aku untuk jadi saja guru ganti buat sementara tak ada kerja lagi. Sampai sekarang aku jatuh cinta. Cinta pada mengajar, cinta pada memberi, cinta pada pelajar-pelajar, cinta pada suasana yang sehari-hari berlaku berbeza-beza, ragam dan kerenah pelajar-pelajar. Semua ini kecintaan. Kecintaan yang bila hilang cuma sekejap kemudian datang kembali. Banyak yang aku belajar. Humble, give and take, sayang dan cinta, hormat. Banyak! Bila datang interview aku selalu doa, ya Allah kalau sekolah aku ni masih perlukan aku harapnya aku tak dapat kerja ni, tapi kalau sekolah tu dah baik, dah tak perlu aku, moganya aku dapat kerja baru ni. Jadi, semua interview yang aku attend resultnya dukacita. Frust ada juga, tapi kena paksa diri terima untuk redha dan positif.

Banyak aku belajar dari apa yang aku dapat tak seperti yang aku mahu ini. Walau ditengah pahit, dihujung pasti ada manis.

Ya allah
I know there is no short cut to succes
I know there is no easy way to get what I want
I know to be the best I have to work the best
I have to sacrifice
I have to be strong
Not to easily surrender
Have to be futuristic


But Allah,
I am human
Just an ordinary human being
Sometimes the bad feelings just come
Without notice,
Without knocking
Without inviting
And suddenly I give up
I wanna quit
I wanna put everything down

Ya Allah
How to face?
How to solve?
How to keep moving?
How to be strong?
How to be somebody?
Help me
Guide me
I am loser

After all, kata adik aku #jalanterus!
Susah macam mana hadap saja
Jangan patah balik
Jangan mengalah
Jangan putus harapan
Jangan berhenti
Jangan menangis
Jangan lama berehat
Jangan!
Nanti letih...
Hadap saja, doa, usaha, #jalanterus! Rabbi yassir.

WRITING

I was reading a book entitled "Rich Malaysia, Poor Malaysian" when I came across this very deep lines quoted from the famous Indonesian writer, Pramoedya or Pak Pram, "A person can be as intelligent as far reaching as the sky, but as long as he doesn't write, he will be lost from the society and history. writing is working for immortality". (Anas Alam Faizli, 2014)

With the courage, I am now writing some words, this is not because I won't be lost from the society or from the history, but I want it be working for immortality. :)

Thank you for the reminder, authors!

Aku tak tahu weh aku pernah tak rasa tak segembira sekarang, mungkin ada tapi aku dah lupa.
Terima kasih Tuhan sebab bagi aku rasa tak bahagia ni sebab sekarang aku dah faham apa itu nikmat bahagia walaupun dengan sekecil-kecil perkara.

Terima kasih Tuhan, sebab bagi aku peluang, aku dapat pengalaman
Terima kasih Tuhan menguji aku sebab aku tahu erti syukur
Terima kasih Tuhan, kesukaran buat aku rasa dekat denganMu,
Terima kasih Tuhan sebab aku belajar bahagia untuk terus mendekatiMu

I'm not sure in life whether we can determine our job exactly can follow our passion.
As these days, the job is quite hard to find, how can we easily match the job with our passion, our interest?
If you were me, then your job not satisfy your passion, are you still survive or choose to quit rather than suffering?
On the other hand, is it really not satisfy yours or you just been demanding?
I'm not sure if this way is fated for me or I am not really being grateful?
Life is tough, don't you think?
Now I am realized that life is not really enjoyable, I mean life is test right? The fully enjoyment is life after death if we can make good use during our lifetime, right?

I dont know, I really need someone that I can rant to, spill everything that haunted me.

I just realised, if the job can't suit you, you have to find another job that satisfy and give you full of enjoyment considering some requirement. You know what, I am telling you, you will gain fullest excitement when you serve the ummah, the society, above all, Islam. Regardless what kind of job you are doing, grab your life opportunity to contribute something (might be from your hobby or your interest) to ummah. How do you think? It make sense right?

Enough for today's rant!

Manusia ni akan sedar dan bersyukur dengan apa yang dia ada bila dia hilang.

I don't know how can I survive for another 8 months.
I just need someone to respect me just in return for my respect to them.
I just don't want to waste the great chance Allah gives just to follow my own way which I don't know either right or wrong.
I don't want the return just in term of money while I have to sacrifice some other things - contributions to ummah, to society, to Islam, my passion, my happiness, my time for good things.
List go on and I just wanna do something with the aim of Mardhatillah.

Haruskah aku meninggalkan cintaku kepada kebaikan dan cita-cita ku hanya kerana material yang boleh lesap sekelip mata dan umurku semakin berkurang??

Tuhan, PLEASE HELP ME, guide me.